It's been a little over a month since you were unexpectedly taken from our lives.
I was convinced that this was just an awful nightmare but as the days go on I realize this is all too real.
I realize that I will never come home to a hug and a kiss from you, I will never come home to another homemade (or delivered haha) dinner, I will never come home to our family arguing about what movie to watch, I'll never get another emoji filled or nene leakes meme text from you, I don't think I'll ever be able to watch our favorite shows again or look at pictures without my heart screaming, I will never be able to sit at the end of your bed telling you about my day or asking for advice. We will never laugh together again, I will never feel your warm hugs or be able to annoy you with showing you how cute the dogs are every five minutes. You won't be there to hold me or comfort me when I cry, or be there to plan all of our birthdays and to make everyone laugh. You were the life of the party and so loved immensely and deeply by so many people. My heart aches every day, not just for our family but for my sister, she is not even a teenager and our mom is gone. Mommy you were our best friend, our rock, our anchor. I wonder every day how am I supposed to keep going? What am I supposed to do? The past month has felt like the longest and weirdest time of my life. I miss you so much and cannot believe you are gone. Our family, our lives will never be the same. Sadness punches me in my gut when I hear a Mariah Carey song, when I see something at the store I know you'd love or when I see something that would make you laugh but then I realize I can't show it to you anymore. I try to constantly distract myself but you never leave my mind. Every night I wake up to the realization that I will never see you again. You and Dad showed us the world, there isn't anything that doesn't remind me of you. When I think of all of our memories it makes me smile because you were the absolute best mom to my sister and I. Not a day went by where you didn't make us feel so loved and whole. You made us so strong but I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and the only thing that would make it okay is a hug from you. I thank God for my grandma, aunt and uncle and my big family for being here for us, but I would do anything to have our family back. I am so grateful for the relationship we had, I told you every day how much I love you and how grateful I was for you. We always cracked up and gossiped together. It didn't matter what we did just us four -you, sister, daddy and I and can't forget our dogs- hanging out made me the happiest person in the world.
As my dad continues to heal in the hospital, I try to navigate my way through lawyers, bills and responsibilities I have never had before and all I can think of is how badly I wish you were hear to guide me. I miss you Mommy. I can't believe in my heart that you are gone. Although I will never be the same woman I was when you were here, I promise to make you so proud every day of my life. I feel so bad for the people who never met you, an awesome, badass woman who would do anything for her kids, a woman who loved Louis Vuitton and Gucci but reminded us everyday that material things aren't what make you happy, a healthy family filled with love is the only thing we need in the world.
They say death is temporary and love is infinite and although I am broken my love for you will only grow as I wait until I am whole once again. When you left this earth you took a piece of all of us with you. The amount of lives you impacted and the amount of people you were also a mother to is extraordinary. The hundreds of people at your funeral only prove how incredible you were and how you touched everyone who you met.
Mommy not only am I so proud of everything you accomplished in life (and I wish I told you this while you were here) but I am so proud and honored to be your daughter. I am me because of you and..
God gave me the greatest gift in life and I never realized it until now, but it was you. I love you Mommy..
Until we meet again.